The Ocean of Chaos

I shiver in the cold
My heart freezes over
It has to for me to keep my sanity
If I am to stay alive
And sane
I have to freeze my heart and soul.
I can not let myself go
Not for any reason
Or I fall again and again
I keep letting myself go to them.
Boys, food, all the such
They're distractions to the pain inside
The pain and hurt from the abandonment I feel
The pain and hurt from her leaving me
Alone and shivering in this cold, dark world.
But every time I distract myself
Every time I let my heart warm,
I feel the cold,
I icy cold that chills me to the bone,
More than ever.
Every time I let myself fall into another's arms,
My heart just drops deeper into the ocean,
The ocean of Chaos.
Why do I do this to myself?
I know the ultimate result.
I fall in love,
But then I stumble and fall.
He has done nothing wrong
And I love him
But my heart has just lost its warmth,
Lost its joy and happiness.
I have lost all fire within me.
The Ocean of Chaos has returned,
Bathing my soul in its waters of burning hatred.
Not just any hatred,
But the kind of hatred that burns deep within
The kind of hatred that eats you up inside.
The kind that makes you want to disappear
The kind that makes you just want to die.
The Ocean of Chaos has swallowed me up.
It has replaced my warmth with a self-hating iciness.
The kind of self-hating iciness that makes you ask yourself,
"Why am I even still alive?"